The Baroness thanks you for visiting.

During her long and storied life, The Baroness has had nearly too many adventures to recount. Married three times, and having brought five children into this world, The Baroness still found time to operate several businesses, attain a post-graduate degree, engage on public policy, and complain about the poor quality of food at every dining establishment she has ever visited.

Please find her somewhat accurate biography below.

The Early Years

The Baroness was not originally from Kansas, but from The Old Country. In her youth, she was sent to live with distant relatives in America. Finding her accommodations comfortable (and more importantly, the men very agreeable), The Baroness chose to remain in Kansas and start a family.

A Family Begins

First, a daughter, Kelley arrived. Kelley was extremely kind and sweet unless you disobeyed her, at which point she would inflict punishments so severe that few lived to tell the tale. Several family members had their faces slapped off completely by Kelley, actions of which The Baroness whole-heartedly approved.

Next, Jay was born. Sporting a variety of Burt-Reynolds-esque mustaches and hairstyles, as well as shockingly short shorts, Jay later had all his hair burned off during his long firefighting career. The Baroness graciously provided a variety of toupes and stick-on mustaches to help Jay rekindle his lost glory.

Jeff was born just a few years later. Having an intrinsic love of all things relating to historic preservation, Jeff saw himself as a natural defender of old buildings, and something of a copatriot to his firefighter brother, Jay.

A Crisis Strikes

A healthy and prosperous life was brough to a crashing stop when The Baroness' first husband was killed in a car accident.

With her riches tied up in The Old World estates, The Baroness found herself with little money and only her noble title. She soldiered on, aided by the kindness of her family, as well as her own indomitable will. Demanding justice for her departed husband, The Baroness fought all the way to The Supreme Court (of Kansas) for just compensation.

The Postman Calls

Several years later, The Baroness had begun healing from her crisis, and found a desire for male companionship rekindled. The Baroness married again, to The Postman, bringing Paul into the world.

It was immediately obvious that Paul completely perfect in every way, certainly much better than any of her previous children. In the years that passed Paul would go on to also work on buildings, not as a firefighter or as a historic preservationist, but rather as a construction manager.

The Baroness had one more child with The Postman, however this child, Cornelius, only lived a short time, causing a great deal of sadness for both parents.

Education Resumed

Deciding that her work of building a family was complete, The Baroness chose to resume a single life, earning a post-graduate degree, something uncommon for women of her era. She later would move to The Capital (of Kansas), to focus her energies on scientific endeavors and public policy.

An Escape Facilitated

Years later, The Baroness' eldest daughter, Kelley, had sudden need to depart Kansas. The Baroness secreted Kelley to upstate New York, and together they opened a finishing school for gifted young women, lifting these youths out of broken homes. To commemorate the occasion, The Baroness bestowed the title "Lady Glendale" upon Kelley.

Lady Glendale's Finishing School still operates to this day, with Kelley continuing her good works as the much-loved headmistress.

The Baron

A chance encounter years later led The Baroness to meet The Baron, slender and bespectacled.

Though both had operated in the same social circles, it was only in their twilight years that they were reacquainted. The Baroness, finding The Baron genial and friendly, and finding in herself a deep need for companionship, married once again. The new couple had many happy years together, traveling across Alaska and Montana, finding joy and fulfillment in each other's company.

The Baroness was naturally inclined to be quite bossy, and was always imploring The Baron to "turn the TV down this instant!" Fortunately, various grandchildren always ensured The Baron was well armed with nerf weapons to quickly put any unwanted insults to rest.

Departure

The Baron died some years later, greatly saddening The Baroness. Soon after, The Baroness herself entered a period of ill health. Growing weary of Kansas, an escape was soon planned.

As the sun set on June 1st, 2023, The Baroness grabbed the nearest candelabra, flung it at her many assembled servants, and dashed out a window to a waiting towncar. Soon she was heading towards the local train depot.

As nighttime fell, The Baroness could be seen through the passenger carriage windows of a sleek 1939 Zephyr, leaning forward and holding the hands of two men. One was older, slender, and bespectacled, while the other was much younger, with strikingly dark hair. On the platform, an older gentleman, dressed in a postman's uniform, could be seen waving as the express train departed for lands unknown.

While The Baroness is far too busy to correspond directly during her travels, you may reach out to her personal assistant, Ms. Gemma Appleton (gemma@thebaroness.org), with any questions or requests.